Pros and Cons of being me
I've decided to do a list of these things as I take the year to feel better about being an individual. This one is about my self image.
I'm 42 years old and need to be happier in the body that I possess. If I had my way, I'd be built more like Kate Upton or Fergie, but I'm not. They have the money and lifestyles to have personal trainers, dieticians, and life counselors. Not me.
So, this blog is about the comments I have received about my body issues. Guys, I used to be anorexic and even though I am back to loving food, I still feel as if I'm too big. I didn't become anorexic because I thought that I was fat. That may surprise you but it's true. I have a nervous stomach and hate conflicts/stressful situations. I get physically sick if I'm plagued with too much negativity and this makes my sleep and hunger wane away.
At 18, I was wearing size 12 little girls jeans. I still have them, in my hope chest. Now, I'm 150 lbs at 5'5 and that's twice what I weighed at 18. Back then I was so upset about my life that eating a piece of bread with a glass of water filled me up for the day. Looking at food made me nauseous. I had to wake up from that and "fix" myself, as no one else could do it for me.
I was 134 lbs at 26 when I was pregnant (pic below) and I'd like to be that size again, even if my mind is screaming for 12 lbs less than that. I have to be realistic. I'm curvy, like eating, have little time for exercise while I work and attend college. Looking in the mirror hurts but the last six months I've been taking selfies so I can prove to myself that I am nowhere as big as my mind tells me that I am. I do have some very fit friends who still encourage me to focus more on diet and fitness. I love them but if I were to push too hard then I could see myself as becoming obsessed with being a size 3/5. That scares the crap out of my husband as he was with me when I was anorexic.
Well, with new years resolutions in the air and people being more focused on their own self image, I have to look at mine with better eyes. Yes, I need to stress less and work out more. I'm already on track with this and I pray to stay on track. But this is my body. This is what is getting me through the next 50+ years, if I'm lucky. I need to love it, in any way that I can.
Last month I was reminded by some people that they don't see the same thing that I do. I get this as no one is more critical of their own body than themselves, unless you're a modeling agency and that is a whole other story to tell. I need to start looking in the mirror, at all of my flaws, and say Hi to them. acknowledge they are there but that they don't add up to the sum of my parts. Yes, I have cellulite, stretch marks, scars, bulges, and wrinkles. I can hide them with makeup or clothes, even take better care of myself but they're still mine. I can't take them off and trade them in for something that I like better.
I will try to smile at the trim people who think I'm too large, and the overweight people that think I need to shut up. No one needs to love me better than I do. Right? I mean, I want love, but I need to work on myself and what I'm made of. It's hard after also being told that I was "damaged", "unwanted", and "ugly" for more than half of my life. But, I have enough time to fix this, as I'm not planning on going anywhere for a very long time.