Monday, September 1, 2014

Firsts - Lost Sibling

Here's another first but this one comes from a sad place, the loss of my big brother. So, please go back to your (hopefully) paid day off (if this isn't a day for you to feel my pain) but I can promise some sweet lines long the way.

As a youngster, I watched my brother and envied some of the things that an older brother got to do. I was an annoyance to him as he felt that he couldn't do anything without me watching or wandering what he was up to. This ended up in several damages on my side as I had doors shut in my face or was shoved out of his personal space. Back then I could scurry away or tell  my mom that I was offended by his lack of compassion for my curiosity.

As he grew older, he became more comfortable with his zany ways and I was envious of that. He was creative, had an ear for music, and an eye on comic book story lines. As a matter of fact, my favorite character in the comics was the first one he introduced me to Magique (with Daredevil). He would make sure that I wasn't sitting outside of his room when he would play his Prince records, as it "wasn't age appropriate". Seriously, you were only a couple years older than me. To this day, Prince, Toto, and Depeche Mode will always make me think of my brother and his teenage antics.

Growing older, I had crushes on his friends as they were close to my idol plus had the cool factor that I admired. Sadly, this went as well as a stuffed bikini top at the local swimming pool. Not well. One of them was supposed to take me to the 8th grade dance but happened to forget. OUCH! (Side note: as I "grew up" he supposedly apologized to me through old friends about how that night had turned out. It in itself is a whole other story....first heartbreaking crush.)

A pattern was set as I was the aggravating sister who wouldn't leave him alone and he was the coolest thing I could think of for a unique brother. Yes, we had tons of squabbles but that didn't change my devotion to him. When I got married, he had already run off with his wife. The great part was that he became really tight with my hubby. I stayed in the background as I was told not to "ruin his life" by adoring him, but I was proud of all of his achievements. We even went to visit him and his new family when he was stationed in Alabama and had a wonderful days as we all played cards.

The friendship got even tighter over the last few years and at one point I was told that I no longer had custody of my brother as he was officially my husband's brother. I was fine with that because although I wasn't his fav to hang out with, he was there for me to love from my quiet corner. We were there for the days he moved, some of the last minute get togethers he threw, motorcycle trips, and hours spent working on broken vehicles.

More recently he was going to help us move into the house that we were buying and attend my RMA (registered medical assistant) pinning ceremony. That didn't happen. I ache for what did occur. You see, my brother fought a mental illness that wasn't diagnosed when we were younger. It does explain how he handled things and how he felt about my shadowing him. I understood and backed away as to show my love in a different light. It was the best that I could do.

The night before my pinning we got the call that stopped time for me. My brother was no longer with us. The tears were non stop as my hubs and I tried to piece together what could have taken away such a vivacious warm person. He loved his wife to the point of saint hood, cherished his kids so madly that he sold cars to get them the things they needed. Why had God taken away the brother that had just accepted me as a more important part of his life? I still don't understand and I probably never will.

Even with it being a month ago, I will suddenly start crying as one of his famous lines or a character he would invent popped into my mind for a brief visit. Now, I fight the stream of tears while I think of him imitating Robin Williams who also imitated people. Robin himself died right after my brother's memorial so that made it even harder as people were mourning all around for the same type of spirit being taken from our view. They were so much alike that I re-experienced it all as if the tears hadn't just stopped.

I went to my pinning anyway, without him, and thought of him most of the time that I was celebrating my evening. You can imagine that the tears of joy for my accomplishment were actually for the loss that I was feeling in my heart. I played it off well. My teacher and husband were proud of him for not losing it that night. We bought that house that he was going to put some of his gear at. He isn't there to paint or to give some outlandish opinion on how the bathroom should be decorated in some garish scene. His spare riding gear won't be in the closet and his tools won't be spread in a corner of my garage. Not in reality. In spirit he is with me as I listen to Depech Mode sing Shout, while I watch the memorials on Facebook about the standup acts that Robin Williams did in the eighties, and in the motorcycle (that looks like his) in my garage.

Even if the ringing phone isn't him, he's in my heart as the wonderful man that I shadowed through our lives. This was one man who wasn't afraid to laugh at life's little humor as he would normally joke right back, He was a hero to me, no matter how many flaws a human could point out. That was my brother. I miss him.

you never know when God will need them more than we do.

)))Corset Hugs(((

Ginny Lynn
Wench Writer

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